How being unemployed feels

Every night when you go to sleep, you fear you will end up becoming a drug-addict child-abusing primary school teacher, or worse a bank employee. That’s the fear of unemployment feeding off your dreams and goals. Things are changing, those who used to stay over and smoke a joint are now busy preparing assignments or looking for jobs with Saturdays off.
There are two types of people, one who are always prepared for everything that life throws at them, like an armed Arya Stark ready to slit the throat of Lord Baelish at the drop of a hat. The other one is of those who once in a while need to take a pause and understand what is going on in life. I’m the second kind, I’m not good with changes and I often lose track of time.

 

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Winters have arrived and brought with itself the eternal bliss of a runny nose and the joy of evening tea. Every Morning when I wake up, I see people rushing to their respective offices, students rushing to their colleges and kids just running around because they are stupid. It is chaos, but as Lord Baelish once said ‘Chaos is a ladder’. This chaotic race makes me sick to my stomach and the fact that soon I’ll have to join the minion army of uniform-clad sycophants, makes me reach for the ladder aforementioned. The ladder that always takes me to the first floor, right into my bedroom. While I’m lying in my bed trying to finish Salman Rushdie’s ‘The Golden House’, thoughts start to pop up inside my head and take my focus away.

 

My college has figured out the perfect way to fuck with our free time. College Assignments are inevitable drudgery we all go through but there is something special about mine. Your college assignments may require a little research, but mine takes just some Google searches and hours of scribing useless information on papers that will be sold to a junk dealer by the college for some extra profit.

To escape the harsh reality, I log in to my Facebook account and scroll through the virtual life of my fellas. It seems like everybody on the planet is having a good time, trekking, camping and all the other -ings that make me feel bad about my account balance. People posting 30 selfies with beautiful HRs of their offices on Diwali adds up to my sorrow.

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And then I fall asleep, only to wake up with an unfinished book on my bed, unfinished assignments on my table and an unfinished life in which I have to deal with assholes who post 30 selfies with their HR, with the caption ‘Celebrating Diwali with a new cracker’.

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The Times SHIT Fest: Indian Halloween

Here is what happens when you invite people for dinner and serve them stale sandwiches. Here is what happens when you promise people Shashi Tharoor and give them Baba Ramdev:

Like many aspiring journos, writers and other broke people, I was also standing in the crowd, in front of ‘The Rau’s IAS Study Circle Stein Auditorium’ at the Indian Habitat Centre on the first day of the Times Lit Fest 2017 waiting for the gates to open for the fifth session of the day “Towards a New India” featuring Shashi Tharoor. I was excited because I’d never seen an Indian guy speaking in British accent live. For similar reasons others were excited too and the entrance and exit of the auditorium were invisible behind the long queues of people eagerly waiting for the only living awe-inspiring Congressman of India to come and speak something about ‘How to be a progressive Indian?’
After waiting for an hour finally, the time came when curtains were expected to be raised and the Tharoorian gig was supposed to be served in front of our hungry eyes and thirsty ears. But sadly nothing like that happened.
The people sitting in the auditorium during the session previous to Shashi Tharoor’s session decided to fuck with us, the people standing outside of the auditorium, waiting for Shashi Tharoor with ants in our pants. Only a few bighearted people stood up and came out of the auditorium after the fourth session and the auditorium remained full. The outside crowd grew larger and restless and people in the front started to bang on the glass door of the ‘Rau’s IAS Study Circle Stein Auditorium’. We looked like muggles trying to invade the Wizarding World but having a hard time getting past the barrier at platform nine and three-quarters. Things were getting tense, people had started to shout and decry the management but kudos to the TLF organizing team. They came out and handled the situation wisely, telling people what went wrong and apologizing for it They sent a bunch of bouncers to guard the gates. The crowd started pushing, the bouncers pushed back and another half an hour was wasted in this tug of war in reverse. People in the crowd had no idea why they were denied entry but the TLF organizing team after making the people wait for two hours had run out of balls to say anything. The guys in the front kept asking those dudes in black why they are not letting them go inside and those bouncers looked back at them the way a buffalo looks at another buffaalo…deadpan.
The collective anger of the crowd crossed the threshold of patience and some guys from the back of the crowd started hurling the choicest abuses at the guy from the organising team who was standing on the other side of the glass door and looking at the crowd as if they were monkeys at a zoo, carrying out their monkey tricks. Some guy shouted at him to make an announcement, complemented with some reference to his female family members. Some random girl from the crowd said “Jaane do sir, hum khade hoke dekh lenge” but that organizer asshole didn’t say a word, neither did he come out of the auditorium to clarify what’s happening. People started to leave, disappointed and taken aback by the kind of irresponsibility Times of India had shown at their fuckall fest.
When the organizers realized that the glass door could break and more than a hundred people will barge in the auditorium, armed with DSLRs and Tripods and beat the Tharoor out of the organizer, one havaldar came out and said “Jagah nahi hai andar, aplog ko jana hoga!”
The Same random girl again said “Jaane do sir, hum khade hoke dekh lenge”, the guys from the front started to shout and bang on doors harder. I struggled my way out, considering the possibility of a riot that may break out, losing two buttons in the process. After waiting for two long hours, the shit fest gave us a middle finger, saying “We’re not showing Shashi Tharoor, go and watch Shobha De”.
I walked up to the bookstore, the crowd continued to shout and pester the organizer guy and his companion havaldar. While I was busy reading the epilogue of Amish’s new book, I heard slogans from the crowd “We want Shashi Tharoor! We want Shashi Tharoor!” and then “Open the Gates! Open the Gates!” in chorus and eventually came my personal favorite “Times of India Haye Haye! Times of India Haye Haye!”
As the slogans grew louder, I poured myself a cup of hot tea (free wala) and found a corner at a safe distance to get the best view of the commotion. Can’t tell you how satisfying it was to hear the Times of India Haye Haye slogan. This is what you get for selling crap as news for decades. I was half expecting the glasses to shatter and Shashi Tharoor to come out and enlighten us about something new, like how Britishers used to wipe their asses with the fine muslin woven-wear in the “Era of Darkness”, but nothing like that happened.
A lot of people gathered around to see what’s happening, Sagarika Ghose made a dramatic entry, climbed on a chair and tried to tell something to the guards in gestures, but they looked at him the same way one buffalo looks at another…deadpan. Almost the entire fest now gathered around with their free chaai in their hands enjoying the scenario, while Kamal Haasan bullshitted the rest of the people in the fest in believing that he wants to join politics to help the poor, to make a change, desperately trying to pull-off a Martin Luther King Jr.
After everything sorted out, we had to settle down for Baba Ramdev who was doing a headstand in the middle of his session and at the end of the session, he went topless and started to teach women how to do belly dance, which was equally enthralling.
The next day was pale boring, nobody looked excited. The panelists, the moderators, everybody looked exhausted and bored, compared to last year. And also last year there were free sandwiches, this year only tea…so minus five points for that. The sessions, the ones that I consciously attended worked better than any sleeping pill. Claps were slow, so were the speakers. Whether it was Owaisi talking about nationalism, or Sambit Patra glorifying Yogi Adityanath’s work in UP, nobody was putting in any energy. The one that especially disappointed me was the Big Debate on “Can there be nationhood without nationalism?” with some Big names like Swapan Dasgupta, Asaduddin Owaisi, Abhishek Manu Singhvi, Pavan Varma and Gopal Subramanian. I had expectations and you guys seemed to have your own exclusive definitions of nationalism, which pissed me off like nothing else, not even the stray dogs that somehow sneaked in the fest and started to mark their territory on the tall floodlights.
About the whole fest, can’t say much. In the Times “LITERATURE” fest, there was everything but good literature,

Thanks for the memories, Chester Bennington

Rock means screaming at the top of one’s voice with ear-shattering annoying music, that’s all I believed up until the beginning of my high schools. Rock music had already made its way into the minds and playlists of the so-called ‘cool’ kids and the cronies that followed them. I remained in my own bubble of Arijit Singh and occasional Justin Bieber and Carly Rae Jepsen, that was the time when Hip-Hop was omnipresent, Rap was trending and Punjabis had taken the responsibility of producing more rappers than their wheat-production, and Rock Music was the new cool. Somehow Linkin Park happened and it was a very enlightening phenomenon which made me look at rock music with a completely different perspective. And when I look back now, it was doorway that led to a whole new musical world of Heavy Metal, Alternative Rock, Hard Rock, Alternative Metal, Rap Rock, Electronic in Rock, songs that infuses adrenaline from your ears in your blood rushing through your veins to your heart that beats on the sound of the pure hard rock metal music, music that can bring dead back to life.

I remember the mornings I started with listening to ‘One Step Closer’ and hours I’ve spent in my washroom trying to scream
I’ve given up
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away
I’m suffocating!
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me!
like Chester, I remember the lunch breaks in which we discussed whether your best screamer is ‘Given Up’ or ‘Numb’ or ‘One Step Closer’ and a substantial part of my growing out of teenage to an early grown-up life motivated and celebrated with your music.
If Eminem is Rap God, Chester was undisputed unbeatable God of Rock and Screaming. His piercings, his tattoos, his hair styles and his powerful ear-splitting voice will remain embedded in the history of rock music. His death is an irreparable loss to the Rock music industry and a lesson to all of us proving that no matter how big a legend you are, drugs can fuck you up, so bad that you may decide to end up your life, leaving behind an irreplaceable void.
Now when I’m writing this blog while listening to your songs, I finally realize what you meant when you said

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

You will always be there in our playlists and our hearts but Rock Music will never be the same.
RIP Chester Charles Bennington.

Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man reviewed

What would you do if you get some cool major-league superpowers like the Spidey? Fight crime? Save the world?
‘Naah! There are people who handle this sort of thing’
To show-off, to win friends and the most important, to impress a girl in high school, that’s exactly what any 15-year old would do and that’s what makes our friendly neighborhood Spider-man so special. He is not perfect, he messes up real bad, he tries hard to prove himself, he is hungry for praise, he ditches her crush on their first date, he is a jerk but he is awesome. This is not exactly a review, in its stead I’ve made a list of some of the awesome changes in the character of Peter Parker and his alter ego Spider-man Marvel has made that makes the Spider-Man homecoming the best Spider-Man movie so far:

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  1. Backstory: I think everybody in the galaxy is aware of the story of ‘the boy and the radioactive spider’. Although it’s always fun to watch Peter getting bitten and discovering his new powers thereafter, but this time they have done a wise job by skipping that Part and also Uncle Ben’s death, which has not only saved a lot of crucial opening time but also gave space to other much more exciting Spidey adventures.tom
  2. More Peter Parker than ever: Peter Parker is a teenager and heretofore two great actors have played the role yet we’ve never seen justice being done with the character. A lot of people may have a problem with me declaring Tom Holland as the best Spider-Man/Peter Parker because most of us have a deep nostalgic relationship with Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man including me, I grew up on that but let’s be honest guys, when Tobey was playing Spider-Man, he was 27, when the Amazing Andrew Garfield’s Spiderman came out, he was 28 and it turned out to be a disappointment but Tom Holland (21), he is the perfect Peter Parker. Tom Holland’s Pete is nerd to the core, he is naive, he is socially awkward with a foot still in childhood, he plays Legos with his nerd buddy Ned after school and he has a huge crush on Liz (Laura Harrier), a senior and this time he’s not carrying a camera every where he goes. He is just the way he is meant to be, awesome. Vlogging all the way through the Stark Tower and in the middle of the Civil War was hilarious, director Jon Watts has done a great great job establishing the character as an overwhelmingly excited kid who is just not used to being a Superhero.2017-07-17 (8)
  3. Not actually a superhero: You will not get a lot of swinging around in this movie because Spider-Man is not completely a superhero. He is a regular school going kid with everyday problems, he has to reach school in time, he has got homework, classwork and also Spanish Quizzes along with the back-breaking task of saving the city and proving himself worthy of being an avenger to Mr. Stark. The entire movie is basically about Peter trying to make a balance between his normal life and his superhero life. The simple reason why we could all relate to him is that he is one of us, the way we used to be in our high schools, impossible crush and a bully who never misses any chance to pick on.2017-07-17 (13)
  4. Not Alone: Pete in Spider-Man Homecoming is not a sad loner, he’s got friends and a mentor in Avengers, the Iron Man himself. He’s also got a friend, a sidekick, a confidant, Ned Leeds who is a tech genius and comes up with the stupid idea of impressing Liz with his super spider abilities. The Tony-Parker relationship is awesomely portrayed and is one of the most important aspects of this movie, Tony tries to be like a father for Peter, the type of father both of them never had.2017-07-17 (5)
  5. Costume: This movie has both, the worst and the best Spidey costume so far. The loose and ugly red and blue suit with a hoodie was the best Peter could make, which kind of makes sense. In all the other movies, Peter himself designs his spandex suit which raises questions, if he has such great designing skills, why da faq he sticks to low paying photography job for income?2017-07-17 (4)
    He obviously needed an upgrade, which was done by the ‘genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist’ Tony Stark. The high-tech Spider Man homecoming suit was the coolest suit ever, equipped with 576 web shooter combinations like Taser or Grenade webs, Lazor targeting system, web gliders, holographic display, GPS Tracking system, in-built parachute, artificial intelligence, better vision and with the spider emblem that is actually a drone. One of the best features for me was the vacuum fitting function which allows Peter to slip in and out of the costume very easily. Now you don’t have to wonder how does Peter fits in that thing.
    That is not it, at the end of the movie Peter is offered a new upgraded suit which was the BIGGEST EASTER EGG for Infinity War in the entire movie. The Iron Spider Suit which looked nothing like the comic version of the Iron Spider Suit, has been finally been revealed. The Iron Spider Suit is one bad ass armor whose secret wonders are yet to be unleashed. Beat that Batman!2017-07-17 (7)
  6. Comedy: Spidey is loved for his one-liners and hilarious punches, this movie took it to a whole new level. They have done a great job developing the character of Peter and certainly succeeded in making the most comic accurate Spider-Man ever, much better than the last one, who was very cocky and unfunny. He cannot keep his mouth shut while fighting and goes on messing up more often than not. That Vlogging scene was so amazingly hilarious that it had all the audience rolling in the aisles.liz
  7. Love Life: There was Liz who ultimately left the city, leaving behind Pete and his unfulfilled dreams. Except her, there was no Gwen Stacy or Mary Jane,wait!! Or was there?
    Remember the scene when the strange girl Mitchell says that her friends call her ‘MJ’, that had my spider sense tingling.mj
    What if she is MJ (Mitchell Jones/Mary Jane) in upcoming movies in the Spider-Man series, why else they would focus so much on a weird girl who likes to sketch people in crisis? What if this whole movie was a set-up to introduce MJ and show the relationship building between the two of them?

    What if this entire movie was a set-up to somehow make Spider-Man a part of the Avenger series?
    It makes sense because apart from the post-credit scene there was no big revelation, the movie was just a big wonderful ride in the city of New York where Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man is on the qui vive.

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    The movie is not as intense as it was expected to be, the little action sequences were not choreographed well. Nowhere in the movie you feel like something big might happen, there was also very less swinging around. Usually in Hollywood movies, either New York City or the world is always on the verge of demolition, but in Spider-Man, you don’t feel like anything was at stake, the villain Adrian Toomes aka Vulture (played by Michael Keaton) was nothing more than an alien-scrap thief and a smuggler of weaponry. It may disappoint some people but according to me, that was a wise thing to do considering the immature character of Peter Parker who is still learning how to be a superhero.

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    The post credit scene introduced Mac Gargan aka Scorpion and also raised a very crucial question, Adrian refused that he knows the real identity of Spider-Man upon asking by Mac, which could mean that either he had a change of heart which is highly unlikely or he is planning something more terrible.

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    According to me every frame of the movie was enjoyable and if you have not watched it,
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    why do you do this to yourself?

A friend with weed is a friend indeed…

Confession needs to be made that I’ve rolled only three-four times in my life, I’ve my friends for this crucial task. My first few weeks in college went into recruiting people and on the very first day, I met him, the master of the art of rolling. BHANDari is every stoner in the world, he is skinny, by which I mean his pointy shoulders are hanging by the support of collar bones of the shape of chopsticks, his Adam’s Apple at the verge of jumping out of his throat along with long hairs, a pair of ever bloodshot eyes and completely blank deadpan face.
In a group of stoners, you can freely be yourself, nobody is going to judge you. Stoners are nothing but free thinking liberal pacifist people who believe in making joints, not war. People fighting after getting drunk; very common, people killing each other after sniffing cocaine; happens every day, Meth heads running car over people; happens very often but have you ever heard of a pot smokers raising his voice at another smoker? The worst he can do is to eat all your nachos and not laugh at your joke.
So grab your pot, ignite the tail and take a shot and enlighten yourself why pot heads make amazing friends:
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  1. The Warm Welcome:  Ever since my seniors got to know that I am one of them, every once in a while some guy just appears out of nowhere while I’m walking through the corridor and asks me ‘Bruh, you want some?’
    You are a newborn to the community and needs to be fed well, so they babysit you,

    they take care of all your needs
    and teach you how to remove seeds
    or how to identify the unadulterated of em’ all
    as well as how to crush the weed
    and make sure to update your playlist with Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin,
    so you listen to it until your ear bleeds
    yes, they are the true-blue allies indeed.
    (still a better rap than yo yo who-dafaq Singh)

    my turn

  2. Equality: The pot head community is the most accepting one. No matter who you are, from which class, color, caste, religion, creed, species or planet you belong to, if you smoke, they are there for you, always ready to give you a hand in wrapping up 40-45 minutes of visa into a world of amplified sound and distorted vision in a four-inch of Odet Cascadec Ballore (OCB). They enlighten you about the holiness of the sacred grass that is crushed and smoked, the pilgrimages they have done to Manali and Himachal for it, the medicinal benefits and so on, so that you also start to believe that world can’t run without two things; oxygen and weed.tumblr_o37v2q80QL1v8z7nxo1_500
  3. Innovative: The world of stoners is ever-evolving, long ago Indian Sadhus used to chill in the Himalayas with a Chillum filled with hash, tobacco and of course cannabis. What Red Wine is to Catholics, as what Chillum is to our savage Sadhus. This holy tradition passed on to the younger generations and soon we had a paper entirely dedicated to roll up and smoke, but that was never enough for our parched lungs. Our innovation transcending all the human-made limits that said ‘used coke bottles are of no reuse’ and led to the invention of the most sophisticated of all, the abode of ecstasy, Bong, which looks like a chemistry lab equipment. Made with just an empty bottle, an empty pen tube, a Chillum holder and lots of happiness, Bong is the epitome of innovation and recycling. And my rolling buddies took their innovation and Eco-friendliness a little too far and created history. Never before in the history of robberies a bunch of people broke-in an ATM not for cash, but for cash receipts that ATMs spits out after every transaction. Never before in the history of addiction a bunch of high-spirited guys broke-in a closed ATM at midnight because apparently the ATM slips are thin enough and perfectly shaped.bag o weee
  4. Emotionally Available: Some people say that lovers holding hands and walking towards the sunset with broad smiles that says ‘and they lived happily ever after’ is the most heart-touching thing, I say ‘Bullshit!!! Have you ever seen a stoner telling his stoner buddy who is having a BT ‘Sab theek ho jayeega bhaai, acha acha soch!’? That’s the most heart-warming thing man because we men are terrible at expressing ourselves. It is when our lungs are filled with smoke and our mind flooded with triggered dopamine, we behave the most emotionally.

    If you want a marry a guy;
    ask him when he is high.
    (here we go, again a better rap line)

My first official date and how I effed it up

A fine Saturday Summer morning and all I wanted was some food and cold beer, but the almighty Cupid was planning something more for me. This is what I did and what millions of other people do all across the globe every day when they wake up, I woke up, I felt sad for waking up, I unlocked my phone and checked my messages and that’s when the fine Saturday morning took a dramatic turn. I saw her messages ‘Hey there, u free today?’…and those who can read between the lines will understand that this can mean anything, from come to my place and let’s make out to go to China and bring me some Hakka Noodles. Unaware of the threat, I replied ‘Yes I am.’ with optimism and one smiley.
‘We have been texting for very long, I want to see you’ she said.
And my nervous system freaked out and started to bombard my brain with multiple questions, genuine questions regarding her message like “Is this a date, is this a joke, is this a prank or is she trying to kidnap me?”
A gorgeous fresh designer graduate ….asking me out for a date in a country with the sex ratio of 944 girls per 1000 boys is an achievement in itself.
So as I mentioned, it was summer, she decided the best time to meet would be 3 pm so that we could go out and come back with third-degree burns.
Punctuality is a concept we Indians can never understand, we fix a time so that both the parties could come sufficiently late with stupid excuses like my dog peed on my shoes or Russian Mafia kidnapped me. Seriously why are we always late? Except for the only event where timing matters, we Indian men come early (pun intended).
Anyway, I knew she will not come on time, so I’d brought everything to entertain myself with in the meanwhile. I rotated my fidget spinner, updated status on Facebook, clicked dozens of selfies, went on a word tour, killed Kim Jong-un and came back and then she called me.
“I’m so sorry, I’ll be a little late”
WTF woman!! What is taking you so long? I told you to take the metro, not a bullock cart.
Finally, she arrived after 45 minutes, exactly 10 minutes after I was done with all the crucial work that was keeping me engaged, like updating all the apps from Google play store, counting the stairs and watching strangers watch me watching them coming inside and outside of the metro station.
We took an auto for our evening Delhi tour. I skipped elaborating the part of our awkward meeting when I extended my sweaty hands with a creepy smile and she just looked at me with a scandalized expression.
We exchanged hellos and the usual conversation started and I asked her how is work going?
Till then I didn’t know that you can answer this simple question with a nine page long essay, she told me everything, everything from how her college was, how her internship went, how her new job is going, how she is planning to open an NGO, how skinny pants are different from tapered trousers…fucking EVERYTHING. For the last twenty years, till then, my knowledge about the designing field was confined to what Bollywood has shown us, that the designing industry is full of drug addicts and horny gay people trying to fuck each other, but in that twenty minutes I realized that designing industry is much more than that, it also includes crazy designers with OCDs who cannot stop talking.
Somehow we reached the Ugrasen ki Baoli where I took her down to the well and showed her hundreds of bats hanging from the ceiling and she screamed and I thought something would happen like it happens in Bollywood movies, girl falls, the guy catches her in his arms, violins start playing in the background but Alas! Nothing happened.
Then we went to the Red Fort, the ugly red building where Mughals used to play snooker.

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I showed her the big open fields where Akbar used to take Jodha Begum on a horse ride and they used to have their little tickle time behind the trees. I thought this might trigger some love hormones inside her, but nothing happened. And deep inside I was hoping that in the end, she doesn’t reveal that she likes women because then my inner self will be like “I told you so”. All these efforts of making a girl fall in love with me were tiresome and I was hungry, and my ears were bleeding after listening to the stories from her Kerala Trip fifth time since we met. So we went to the only cafe in the Red Fort campus, where everything is overpriced and tastes like shit and I ordered a couple of Burgers stuffed with some fried yellow shit and some red and green shit on the top with coke. Wandering was done, eating was done, the only thing that was left undone was my charm to work on her. She still showed no sign of interest in me. We sat down on the freshly cut grass and started talking about Random things, from our school life to movies to her life, her future plans and her list of favorite places. We were having a serious discussion over movies when she said something, something so irrational and fallacious that it still leaves me offended when I try to recall that horrific moment. My hands are shaking, my heart is thumping hard and I’m covered in my own puke while I’m writing this unbelievably ridiculous comment of hers. She actually said that the Harry Potter movies are better than the books. This is the most preposterous thing I’ve ever heard. “Go back to the cave where you’ve come from you brainless duck-face” I wanted to say this but I remained silent and waited for the evening to end. She kept on saying some other stupid things but I remained silent. She looked uncomfortable because of my sudden silence, but I remained silent. Nobody talks shit about Harry Potter and then expects me to talk back. Before that, I was thinking of booking an Uber and dropping her but hell no, I changed my mind, I will take an auto and you go hop on the bullock cart you’d arrived by.
I went back home and decided to never go on a date again on Saturday. But the next morning I was feeling bad about it. I want to go on another date because now my right-hand hurts,
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by constantly swiping right on Tinder.

Life Sucks? Get a Roommate!

 

I’m talking about the guy who uses up all your hot water and puts his dirty clothes on your side of the cupboard. I live 700 miles away from my home with a guy who happily uses my soap, my towel and sometimes my boxers and vice versa. Four years ago I moved to Delhi for usual kind of stuff, perfecting the art of rolling joints while completing my college and getting a job. In the process, I had to share my place with many different third world people of different choice of TV series and IQ.
My history of sharing a house with other Homo sapiens goes back to my early childhood when I was forced to share my small room with a smaller human whom they labeled as my sister. I spent most of the time convincing that small round and loud human with a rampant excretory system that she is from another world and my parents have just picked her up from a dustbin on the roadside, or building a spaceship to send her back to the planet of small and round wailing heads, where she belonged, especially when she got all the attention from my parents just by making a noisy howl like a puppy run over by a lawn mower.
Then after more than a decade, I moved to the cosmopolitan jungle of Delhi and for survival, I had to live with people, many times complete strangers, strangers with a possible career background in serial killing or cannibalism. But I rose above my fear of unfamiliar faces and their different taste of music.
I have lived with a guy who had once screwed the maid, and then with a guy who showered once in a week, then with a homo and then in a PG with a bunch of desperate weirdos who used to work all night, sleep all day and plan Goa trips every other weekend.
I have done enough jumping from apartment to apartment (8 apartments) in the last four years. Although I love to live alone so that I don’t have to alter my bathroom schedule because of somebody else’s, neither I have to stay dressed when I’m home, however, a 1 BHK flat in South Delhi is still an amenity for a struggling writer.
Despite his extreme obsession with big-eyed and pointy head Japanese cartoons they like to call ‘अनिमे’, I’m pleasantly surprised that we get along very well. From making morning tea to cooking the most exquisite chicken dishes, he is the ideal roommate in all the aspects of roommat-ing except that he doesn’t roll. He has actually made me realize that having someone by your side to talk about random shit or watch an episode of The Big Bang Theory late night or sleeping until late afternoon is not such a bad idea.
Here are three reasons, why having roommate is better than living alone and fapping all day:

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  1. Hammered: Apart from the obvious reason that your rent and food bill split into two, there are several other reasons helpful enough to make you get a room partner. It’s a Saturday evening and you’re already hammered, who is gonna stop you from jumping off the rooftop, or drunk dialing your ex? Although this does not happen with me, I’m quite good at controlling myself, and you can’t just tell by looking at me that I’m under the influence until I open my mouth and speak, because when I do, random words come out that does not make any sense. I then need someone to answer my calls before my mom starts thinking that somebody has either kidnapped or killed me and call the police, after three consecutive calls I miss. He never volunteered for this job but yeah, we don’t have an option.talk crap
  2. Bitch-ing Please: We are men and we bitch, yes we do. Gals, it’s not only yours extracurricular, we also sometimes talk crap about our girlfriends, their friends, our friends, teachers, government, Jon Snow, etceteras. We need an equally fed up guy who will reply you with equally shitty statements, and besides talking crap, we are always in a need of a second opinion on our work, on our outfit, on whether or not India will win the match and just about everything. He is the extra Grey Matter I sometimes need.                                                                   A Big ugly Spider
  3. Killing fucking Spiders: Spiders are creepy little hideous creatures with eight long sting-like disgusting legs and every once in a while these repulsive little creatures crawl out of nowhere inside my washroom to kill me with its exceptionally grotesque appearance. The only thing that I abhor so intensely from my heart is a freaking spider and I am not capable of killing them because of one of my strange fears that the spider might jump on me and crawl inside my nose. So this herculean task of annihilating a freaking resilient spider belongs to my roommate.

Baahubali 2: Every Viewers’ Review

Never in the history of Indian Cinema, I’ve seen such hype about any other movie (except for Ra.One which was absolute and complete big disaster in the history of sci-fi and superhero movies). The days are gone when white guys used to call us the people who sing and dance around trees because apparently, all the famous actors did so. Indian Film industry is so more than that, its vast, its growing and now it has come up with a brilliant masterpiece, the Baahubali Franchise. The first movie was more of a plot establishing movie which left all of us hungry for more of the story of a prince avenging his father’s death and settling back the mammoth empire of Mahihmati. And after 6 years of waist-breaking hard work, blood and sweat of more than 500 technicians, some greatest minds of the film industry, some generous producers and unparalleled skills of actors who bring characters alive on big screen, finally we got the answer to the much much-awaited question that the nation wanted to know ‘Why Kattappa killed Baahubali?’ in the form of one absolutely extraordinary and extravagant three hours of awesomeness.
Since the movie is way too better than the usual Indian Movies we’re accustomed to, like the one in which a confused girl falls in love with a hot guy and then friendzones another gay-looking guy who apparently loves her and then later falls for the gay-looking guy and leaves the hot guy and gets cancer and then at the end they both get bald

 

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(Hint: Karan, why don’t you die)

 

or

the one in which a Gujarati Muslim guy who smuggles liquor accidently blows up a place, killing several people

 

 

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(Hint: Karan, Take SRK with you!)

, it has become a subject of comparison to 300 or Troy.
If we consider VFX and CGI as the basis of comparison then Baahubali 2 is slightly better than the first one but still far behind from the hundred million dollar budget movies like Pirates of the Carribean or Avatar but if we look at it with a broader perspective, the movie has everything, larger than life action, beautiful romance, heavy dialogues, out of the world plot, amazing screenplay, and cinematography, great direction and captivating visuals and one more thing that has given Baahubali 2 an upper hand over all the other movies of the same genre, the beautiful emotions and chemistry between the character. We may not have the best VFX or the best action sequences but nowhere around the world human emotions and feelings are so genuinely expressed that it makes you somehow an inseparable part of the movie, you connect with the character, you get happy when he gets happy, you cry when the guy he trusted the most kills him. The entire movie is full of wow moments and it’s worth watching several times.

 

Loopholes:

  • The movie keeps you on the edge of your seat for the first half, in the second half, you know very well what is going to happen and excitement almost vanishes. It feel like the filmmakers were so bored of working on the same movie for six years that they rushed to wrap it up somehow.
  • CGI at some point doesn’t look very genuine. In one particular scene, Bahubali Jr. tries to break into the castle with his army by using the coconut trees around the castle as a human-slingshot in order to skip over the tall walls, that was very lame. Nevertheless, most of the south-Indian directors prefer to defy gravity in their movies so it’s something we can’t complain about.

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Don’t look down, I’m not giving stars.

‘FAN’ review: For all the SRK FAN(atics)

Drama Thriller

Director: Maneesh Sharma

Cast: Shah Rukh Khan, Sayani Gupta.

 

The limits of love and obsession, not defined yet defied at times edging the threshold, turning itself into insanity. Such is the case. SRK has previously played the character of an obsessive psychotic before, remember Darr. But unlike Darr, in Fan, he is the assailant and the victim as well.

Gaurav Chandna lives in Inder Vihar, Delhi and is an extremely obsessed fan of Aryan Khanna, a big Hindi film superstar. He bears a resemblance to his idol Aryan and he can also do a pitch-perfect imitation of the superstar. He wins a trophy of ‘best actor’ in a local ‘Super Sitara’ competition by imitating Aryan and then gifting the trophy to his idol, Aryan Khanna becomes the sole purpose of his life. He embarks on a pilgrimage to Mumbai (without ticket). He traces Aryan’s journey back to his struggling days and like a true fan, he stays in the same hotel room where Aryan stayed. When he reaches the star’s house, he finds himself lost in other hundreds of fans like him. After being turned away from his home he goes below the belt and does something wicked to please him but unlike his expectation, Aryan wasn’t happy with whatever he did and as a result, he was sent to jail. This experience leaves him dejected and disappointed, and all his hero-love turns into hatred. He comes back to Delhi and burns away all Aryan Khanna posters and now all he wants is to make Aryan Khanna regret. The movie becomes dark and although Gaurav is the negative character in the movie but it also sheds some light on how narcissistic some stars are that even saying a simple sorry defies their ego.

The first half ends and so does the logic and the movie becomes implausible but I’m preety sure it will not bother true SRK fans. Despite all the security, Gaurav manages to pull off some egregious acts in the name of the superstar, which makes the movie absurd and when Gaurav succeeds in deceiving Aryan’s home-guard and his wife as well, the movie becomes silly to some extent. The character of Gaurav was well crafted but playing it must be a challenging job and after Happy New Year and Dilwale, I wasn’t expecting much from SRK but to my surprise, he nailed it. Aryan’s character was similar to his own self and he played both the roles fantastically. Editing is good and they’ve done a good job by not keeping any song in the movie. Dialogues are good and Sharat Kataria, the dialogue writer has maintained the Delhi-ness of Gaurav. Makeup team surely has worked hard in making Shah Rukh appear a goblin looking FANatic Gaurav. Shah Rukh Khan keeps you hooked. A Fan like Gaurav Chandna is certainly a nightmare also for many real superstars.

FAN may not be a great movie but it delivers what it promised in the trailer and manages to keep the viewers on the edge.

Rating (3/5)

“The Jungle Book” a total biased review

Action/Adventure Drama Animation

Director: Jon Favreau

Actors: Neel Sethi

Voices: Ben Kingsley, Bill Murray, Idris Elba, Lupita  Nyong’o, Scarlett Johansson

Based on ‘The Jungle Book’ by Ruyard Kipling

Language: English

A visit into the life of the inhabitants of the jungle, most of all Mowgli a ‘human cub’ left orphaned in the jungle, found by a generous Black Panther Bagheera(Ben Kingsley) and given into the protection of a wolf pack. Mowgli (Neel Sethi) is raised as a member of the wolf family along with the other wolf kids. The mother wolf Raksha (Lupita  Nyong’o) accepts him as his own child and Mowgli shares an endearing bond with all the wolves of the family. Born and brought up in jungle Mowgli has embraced the life of jungle and has come to live by the codes and etiquette of the jungle and has no interest in leaving his pack, let alone leaving the jungle and going back to where he belongs, but one member of the jungle doesn’t want him in the jungle. Shere Khan (Idris Alba), a ferocious scarred tiger will do anything to hunt Mowgli down. Mowgli has to sacrifice his family in order to save himself and the wolf pack from the wrath of the atrocious tiger Shere Khan. The hustle begins and so begins Mowgli’s journey of self discovery. He meets Baloo, a jovial layabout bear (Bill Murray) without whom the story is incomplete. He is a standout in the film, he encourages Mowgli to stay in the jungle and also makes the viewers giggle. He also meets Kaa (Scarlett Johansson) and King Loui (Christopher Walken) along the way.

The epic story of The Jungle Book written by Ruyard Kipling in 1890 is well-known and has many adaptations. This time the magic of The Jungle Book is recreated by Jon Favreau under the banner of Disney and this movie is not just a ‘bare necessity’, the reinvention is so electrifying and spellbinding that every frame of the movie is worth watching. Viewers have reasons in abundance to love this movie. The only living cast of the movie Mowgli (Neel Sethi) is amazing in every scene and doesn’t disappoint the audience. Iron Man fame Favreau has utilized animation to its best and the jungle came alive. The visual effects and animation team has worked very hard and the result is magnificent, it transports you to the jungle, when Mowgli is chased by Shere Khan you feel your own heartbeat increasing, when rains, shiver runs through your spine and when encounters Shere Khan, a part of you feels terrified. ‘Bare Necessities’ is enchanting and you will find yourself crooning this song while coming out of the theater, you can’t help it.

Rating (4.5/5)