Category Archives: Satire

BIHAR BOOZE BAN: A conspiracy against common Bihari

2 minute silence for those who thought that liquor ban in Bihar is an April fool prank done by Bihar govt. Being a thirsty Bihari who spends his evenings at ‘Chandan ka Dhaba’ where you can get alcohol as cheap as Aamras, I am deeply hurt. We have the richest cultural heritage of taking money as well as Murga and Daaru (shagun ke taur pe) for our precious vote. I was wondering why Bihar government is trying to change Bihar into Gujarat; there is not a single shit common between both the states. They have tigers; we have bhains, they have Amitabh Bachchan as their brand ambassador; we don’t even have a brand ambassador, they are cheap; we are poor and cheap.

Are we heading towards a state of chaos and anarchy? Imagine a bunch of people fighting for one sip of Old Monk, that’s just ridiculous.

Alcohol ban can have devastating consequences. A shaadi without daaru and orchestra (with noisy and raunchy Bhojpuri songs) is as offensive as inter-cast marriage in rural Bihar. You dare do it and the baraati will break every chair and table at the ceremony. It will also grievously affect our local politician’s career, now who will promise us muft ki daaru with butter chicken?

All you need to know about the total prohibition of alcohol in Bihar:

  1. You cannot drink liquor even at home (Come on! Go ahead! But make sure the windows are closed)
  2. Keeping liquor at home is also an offence (No worries, CBI will not raid your house, just bury it in the flower pot)
  3. If travelling to Bihar, you can’t bring liquor (Drink it before you enter Bihar)
  4. Exemption only to defence canteens. Liquor to be supplied to army personnel in bottles with broken seal (It’s time to call your chachi ke bhai ke wife ke cousin ke brother-in-law ka beta, who is in army)
  5. Liquor ban to cover foreigners as well (Lo BC tumko bhi nahi milega)
  6. For four- or five-star hotels, the ban means a revenue loss of up to Rs 2.5 crore each annually (Wait! Are there any five star hotels in Bihar?)

 

But since I’m in Delhi…I’m obligated not to give a shit. Beside, I’ve done my bit by giving free beer for the first 100 visitors.

Advertisements

Arnab Goswami Newshour Debate with Narendra Modi, Arvind Kejriwal and Rahul Gandhi

Hello and welcome to Newshour, the show where I grill renowned politicians to obtain the answers that the nation wants to know.

Arnab: (Fixes his tie and looks straight into the camera):  I am Arnab Goswami and today we shall ask ONE QUESTION which has been bothering the entire nation for the last few months. ‘Freedom of Speech’, what is ‘freedom of speech’? So far, accusing, contradicting and blaming others are what we consider as our freedom of speech. If this is it then shouldn’t we start calling it ‘Freedom of Cursing’? Are we heading towards a nation of chaos and anarchy? Is our country falling apart because the political parties cannot stand together? What has happened to our voice as a nation?

(Assistant whispers): “Psst sir! That’s five questions.”

We have with us our part time Prime Minister and full time Tourist Mr. Narendra Modi, and a politician who is so honest that even before he was born, he took referendum from all the other competing sperms before selection, so so sooo honest that he sent his 4GB memory card to jail because it got corrupt, Chief Minister of Delhi Arvind Kejriwal and also Mr. Rahul Gandhi, who happen to be the Vice-President of the Congress Party.

Arnab: Let me begin with you Mr. Modi. As a nation, everyone is complaining about the misuse of ‘freedom of speech’. Tell us Mr. Modi, is your government failing to stop it? Why government has failed to rein the widespread brewing communal hatred? What happened to your promises? Where are our ache din? Tell us!! The nation demands an answer.

Modi: Mere Mitron, we have the rich cultural heritage of expression. We are not here for any positions but for a responsibility. A son of a poor man is standing in front of you today. This is the strength of democracy. Mere Mitron once we decide… (Arnab interrupts)

Arnab: One sec Mr. Modi, are you trying to distract the argument? You charged the innocent students of JNU who were just expressing their anti-Indian sentiments with sedition. Are you trying to restrain free speech?

Modi: Arnab, I may not agree with what you say, but you can say it anyway.

Arnab: See? This is exactly what I meant! You are trying to skip the question.

Modi: When did you say that?

Arnab: Mr. Modi, are you telling me that you are an escapist?

Modi: No.

Arnab: (smirks) that’s why I didn’t say it (smirks again) (Journalism student in faraway Orrisa has an orgasm)

I’m sorry to say Mr. Modi that you are skirting the issue here. Moving on to our next panellist, Mr. Rahul Gandhi. Mr. Gandhi, what are your views on the gradual demise of the ‘freedom of speech’?

Rahul: Arnab you need to ask a very fundamental question here. Who brought freedom of speech to India?? My mother and my grandmother, even our party symbol is a hand, a hand to hold a mic for free speech. Their symbol is a lotus, a flower… irrelevant to free speech.

Arnab: Mr. Rahul, don’t be immature on my show. You have to give… (Rahul interrupts)

Rahul: But Arnab Congress party supports freedom of speech. I promise to give the people of this country one free sim card for free speech, two to women because women needs to be empowered.

Arnab: Are you trying to push your agenda here?! This is my show, here only I promote myself, and you dare not interrupt when I speak, you Jitterbug. Mr. Kejriwal, what do you have to say about this fiasco?

Kejriwal: (coughs) First of all Arnab, thank you for inviting me on this debate. I would like to thank the whole…

Arnab: Don’t try to patronize me Mr. Kejriwal. I’m not Delhi ki Janta.

Kejriwal: Arnab, this is all administrative failure. When I speak in public, my mic stops working, when I try to tweet, my i phone’s… oops… I mean my phone’s network fails, Even when I sleep, my wife kicks me out of bed for snoring. An aam aadmi doesn’t have freedom of expression even while sleeping. This is a conspiracy against aam aadmi; BJP is trying to suppress the voice of aam aadmi.

Arnab: How is Modi responsible for that?

Kejriwal: (coughing and wiping his nose with his muffler) see Arnab; they have not delivered on any of their promises. Where is Kala Dhan? Where is Swachh Bharat? Where are toilets? Where are ache din?

Modi: Mere Mitron ye dekhiye pot calling the kettle black. Where is Delhi Janlokpal Bill? Where is free water? Where is free electricity? WHERE IS WIFI?

(Rahul jumps in) Rahul: Arnab you forget to mention one very important point. Free speech is all about speaking your mind freely, openly. So basically, it is a state of mind. My mom used to say “what’s in a name?”

Arnab (getting angry): There you go Rahul. Again bullshit, this has nothing to do with the debate. BTW it was said by William Shakespeare. I’ve had enough…

Rahul: But Arnab, let me complete. What’s in a name? It’s all in the surname. So as a young leader of this country with the surname Gandhi, I support women empowerment. So ya, ‘freedom of speech’ Is a state of mind, because we have…

Arnab: I’m sorry Rahul but you’re making no sense. Much like your life, your speech and your entire political career is pointless. I’ll have to cut you off. Go watch Chhota Bheem…or Shin Chan! Tumse Na Ho Payega!

*

COMMERCIAL AD:  A well-dressed man holding a toilet cleaner accompanied by a mob breaks in someone’s house cleans their toilet and says “Harpic…Smart Choice.”

 

Sonakshi Sinha comes out of a movie screen to ask a viewer “Kya apke toothpaste me namak hai?” suggest him Colgate Active Salt and goes back into the screen to complete the scene.

*

Arnab: Welcome back to newshour, we were discussing the much talked about topic, ‘freedom of speech’, and our politicians have set a great example of free speech by doing what they love the most to do- accusing each other. So Mr. Kejriwal, what have you done for ‘freedom of speech’ in Delhi?

Kejriwal: (coughing) Well, in addition to the 15 lakh CCTV cameras that we were about to install, we will also install 15 lakh mics and speakers so that the aam aadmi will be able to speak out whenever, wherever, whatever they want. See, we are reaching out to the aam aadmi.

Modi: Mitron they are wolves in sheep clothing with bad clothing sense, AAP is a party of bumbling brainless mules. We will launch a cough syrup to stop the spreading KejriVirus. When I was a CM, I developed Guj…

Arnab: One sec… Stop …let me speak…this is my show

Kejriwal: Modi jee tell them about your bachelor party with Obama jee at white house. I am an aam aadmi, a poor, backward, unprivileged, sad, oppressed, malnourished common man, but the peopl…

Modi: There you go Kejru, again the victim card. If you’re so poor then sell your two duplex flats and innova cars, on which I remember you didn’t pay taxes.

Kejriwal: Modi jee enough, we will go on ‘cough unto death’ protest against your corrupt government. You are corru…

Arnab: (shouting) SHUT UP! SHUT THE F*** UP YOU BUMBLING IDIOTS. I’VE RUN OUT OF DECENCY. THIS IS MY SHOW, MY SHOW. (Gestures the production team to mute them)

(Adjusts his hair, settles back in his seat, and looks at the camera) Ladies and Gentlemen, I’d like to conclude the debate as I always do. There is something common between Salman Khan’s virginity, Rahul Gandhi’s intelligence and Kejriwal’s honesty, and Mr. Modi, he has already left to visit some unvisited country, and the free speech, free speech means the right to shout fire in a crowded theatre or to shout theatre in a crowded fire, the right to send as much candy crush requests as you want, we do it all very dexterously and artistically. I believe in freedom of speech, and I think that people should speak what they want but I don’t care to hear it. That was all for today. Thank you for watching.

The Idea of India and the herd of Jackasses

 

It’s high time for politics. From chanting cliché slogans to hoisting our national flag, everything is politicized, whereas the real aam aadmi is totally confused. Leftist, Rightist, Communist, Pacifist, Liberal, Marxist…I am pissed!!!

You love your country, you are a patriot, you are a nationalist or just a normal person who wants to make a change…but then, what kind of person are you? Are you leftist, are you rightist, are you dentist?

Fasten your seat belts brethren, we’ve got some new divide. We have both the wings, left and right and almost a center yet India is having such a hard time moving forward. In India we have a lot of people, a lot of people have a lot of ideologies, a lot of ideologists have a lot of agendas and a lot of agendas leaves us mindfucked, because not even one of these ideologists have any constructive approach towards rebuilding the nation. I use the term rebuilding because we have still not come out of that Pre-Independence Hangover, somewhere inside all of us the slave of centuries still resides. We as a country refuse to think as one identity, we have people fighting to shatter this identity. Up until now the the demonic face of communism has been hidden. With the JNU stir and what happened in Jadhavpur University it is gradually revealing itself. Long forgotten the real principles of Communism and Marxism to fight against Capitalism, it now has completely dedicated itself in the attempt to humiliate India and Indians. The predominant ideology is ‘the idea of India, there should be no pride in it and should not succeed’. And there is a HUGE herd of jackasses comprised of some Journos, Writers, Politicians and even some useless artists struggling their ass off in order to shame the country at as large platform as possible. None of them ever forgets to use their platform and convince us, to make us and outsiders believe that India is a very communal violent uncultured country, we are useless, barbaric people with a barbaric past and an uncivilized culture.

The very revolutionary task of swearing to break India to pieces and then playing the victim card of innocent students is done, now it needs to be covered up in the name of communism or leftism.
Normal citizens are fed up of these terms, Okay I got it; we need these terms in politics, but let’s play it simple, all it does is to fuel the election extravaganza.

Being an aam aadmi, a real one without a muffler or chronic cough problem, I don’t actually care any ideology whatsoever because everybody has their own versions of the so-called ideology they follow, communism is no more about fighting capitalism, leftism now is just appeasement.
Freedom of Speech, I love it,
But using it to justify the unjust is unjustifiable, the Lal Salaam of Kanhaiya and Umar is the same salute that has been killing police officers and CRPF jawans for decades now, yet we talk about political correctness. Right to expression if good, exploiting it is not. Take that Lal Salam and shove it up your arse!
In a country where the respected politicians cross every possible limit of dignity (Quoting Digvijay Singh ‘Tanch Maal Hai’), shower chairs on other politicians in the Parliament, yet keep the gut of preaching the countrymen to be politically correct.
.
.
Do you know why our neighbor China has outdone us in every field with the same ideology that we use to abuse our own country? Because they are first of all Chinese then anything else, we’re everything but Indian. We are so busy fighting religion-religion, caste-caste, and now ideology-ideology, that we have long stopped thinking as an Indian. The day we stop thinking ourselves as a representative of our ideology and acknowledge ourselves as Indians, will be the day
.
.
.
I’m just kidding, this is never going to happen.