Hello and welcome to Newshour, the show where I grill renowned politicians to obtain the answers that the nation wants to know.
Arnab: (Fixes his tie and looks straight into the camera): I am Arnab Goswami and today we shall ask ONE QUESTION which has been bothering the entire nation for the last few months. ‘Freedom of Speech’, what is ‘freedom of speech’? So far, accusing, contradicting and blaming others are what we consider as our freedom of speech. If this is it then shouldn’t we start calling it ‘Freedom of Cursing’? Are we heading towards a nation of chaos and anarchy? Is our country falling apart because the political parties cannot stand together? What has happened to our voice as a nation?
(Assistant whispers): “Psst sir! That’s five questions.”
We have with us our part time Prime Minister and full time Tourist Mr. Narendra Modi, and a politician who is so honest that even before he was born, he took referendum from all the other competing sperms before selection, so so sooo honest that he sent his 4GB memory card to jail because it got corrupt, Chief Minister of Delhi Arvind Kejriwal and also Mr. Rahul Gandhi, who happen to be the Vice-President of the Congress Party.
Arnab: Let me begin with you Mr. Modi. As a nation, everyone is complaining about the misuse of ‘freedom of speech’. Tell us Mr. Modi, is your government failing to stop it? Why government has failed to rein the widespread brewing communal hatred? What happened to your promises? Where are our ache din? Tell us!! The nation demands an answer.
Modi: Mere Mitron, we have the rich cultural heritage of expression. We are not here for any positions but for a responsibility. A son of a poor man is standing in front of you today. This is the strength of democracy. Mere Mitron once we decide… (Arnab interrupts)
Arnab: One sec Mr. Modi, are you trying to distract the argument? You charged the innocent students of JNU who were just expressing their anti-Indian sentiments with sedition. Are you trying to restrain free speech?
Modi: Arnab, I may not agree with what you say, but you can say it anyway.
Arnab: See? This is exactly what I meant! You are trying to skip the question.
Modi: When did you say that?
Arnab: Mr. Modi, are you telling me that you are an escapist?
Arnab: (smirks) that’s why I didn’t say it (smirks again) (Journalism student in faraway Orrisa has an orgasm)
I’m sorry to say Mr. Modi that you are skirting the issue here. Moving on to our next panellist, Mr. Rahul Gandhi. Mr. Gandhi, what are your views on the gradual demise of the ‘freedom of speech’?
Rahul: Arnab you need to ask a very fundamental question here. Who brought freedom of speech to India?? My mother and my grandmother, even our party symbol is a hand, a hand to hold a mic for free speech. Their symbol is a lotus, a flower… irrelevant to free speech.
Arnab: Mr. Rahul, don’t be immature on my show. You have to give… (Rahul interrupts)
Rahul: But Arnab Congress party supports freedom of speech. I promise to give the people of this country one free sim card for free speech, two to women because women needs to be empowered.
Arnab: Are you trying to push your agenda here?! This is my show, here only I promote myself, and you dare not interrupt when I speak, you Jitterbug. Mr. Kejriwal, what do you have to say about this fiasco?
Kejriwal: (coughs) First of all Arnab, thank you for inviting me on this debate. I would like to thank the whole…
Arnab: Don’t try to patronize me Mr. Kejriwal. I’m not Delhi ki Janta.
Kejriwal: Arnab, this is all administrative failure. When I speak in public, my mic stops working, when I try to tweet, my i phone’s… oops… I mean my phone’s network fails, Even when I sleep, my wife kicks me out of bed for snoring. An aam aadmi doesn’t have freedom of expression even while sleeping. This is a conspiracy against aam aadmi; BJP is trying to suppress the voice of aam aadmi.
Arnab: How is Modi responsible for that?
Kejriwal: (coughing and wiping his nose with his muffler) see Arnab; they have not delivered on any of their promises. Where is Kala Dhan? Where is Swachh Bharat? Where are toilets? Where are ache din?
Modi: Mere Mitron ye dekhiye pot calling the kettle black. Where is Delhi Janlokpal Bill? Where is free water? Where is free electricity? WHERE IS WIFI?
(Rahul jumps in) Rahul: Arnab you forget to mention one very important point. Free speech is all about speaking your mind freely, openly. So basically, it is a state of mind. My mom used to say “what’s in a name?”
Arnab (getting angry): There you go Rahul. Again bullshit, this has nothing to do with the debate. BTW it was said by William Shakespeare. I’ve had enough…
Rahul: But Arnab, let me complete. What’s in a name? It’s all in the surname. So as a young leader of this country with the surname Gandhi, I support women empowerment. So ya, ‘freedom of speech’ Is a state of mind, because we have…
Arnab: I’m sorry Rahul but you’re making no sense. Much like your life, your speech and your entire political career is pointless. I’ll have to cut you off. Go watch Chhota Bheem…or Shin Chan! Tumse Na Ho Payega!
COMMERCIAL AD: A well-dressed man holding a toilet cleaner accompanied by a mob breaks in someone’s house cleans their toilet and says “Harpic…Smart Choice.”
Sonakshi Sinha comes out of a movie screen to ask a viewer “Kya apke toothpaste me namak hai?” suggest him Colgate Active Salt and goes back into the screen to complete the scene.
Arnab: Welcome back to newshour, we were discussing the much talked about topic, ‘freedom of speech’, and our politicians have set a great example of free speech by doing what they love the most to do- accusing each other. So Mr. Kejriwal, what have you done for ‘freedom of speech’ in Delhi?
Kejriwal: (coughing) Well, in addition to the 15 lakh CCTV cameras that we were about to install, we will also install 15 lakh mics and speakers so that the aam aadmi will be able to speak out whenever, wherever, whatever they want. See, we are reaching out to the aam aadmi.
Modi: Mitron they are wolves in sheep clothing with bad clothing sense, AAP is a party of bumbling brainless mules. We will launch a cough syrup to stop the spreading KejriVirus. When I was a CM, I developed Guj…
Arnab: One sec… Stop …let me speak…this is my show
Kejriwal: Modi jee tell them about your bachelor party with Obama jee at white house. I am an aam aadmi, a poor, backward, unprivileged, sad, oppressed, malnourished common man, but the peopl…
Modi: There you go Kejru, again the victim card. If you’re so poor then sell your two duplex flats and innova cars, on which I remember you didn’t pay taxes.
Kejriwal: Modi jee enough, we will go on ‘cough unto death’ protest against your corrupt government. You are corru…
Arnab: (shouting) SHUT UP! SHUT THE F*** UP YOU BUMBLING IDIOTS. I’VE RUN OUT OF DECENCY. THIS IS MY SHOW, MY SHOW. (Gestures the production team to mute them)
(Adjusts his hair, settles back in his seat, and looks at the camera) Ladies and Gentlemen, I’d like to conclude the debate as I always do. There is something common between Salman Khan’s virginity, Rahul Gandhi’s intelligence and Kejriwal’s honesty, and Mr. Modi, he has already left to visit some unvisited country, and the free speech, free speech means the right to shout fire in a crowded theatre or to shout theatre in a crowded fire, the right to send as much candy crush requests as you want, we do it all very dexterously and artistically. I believe in freedom of speech, and I think that people should speak what they want but I don’t care to hear it. That was all for today. Thank you for watching.